Final Fantasy: Dissidia review

Well then, now that I've given you an idea of what my reviews tend to consist of, let's get right into the newer stuff.

So, kids, let's talk about Dissidia. Not too much though, since it'll just make me angry, like "Valkyria Chronicles" did, although my concern here is less with bullshit difficulty curves and asinine lifeless characters as it is with uninteresting characters and a design philosophy I can best describe as personally offensive.

Let's back up a bit though. As a GAME itself, it's alright; graphics are fine, controls are adequate, combat is pretty fun, though largely kind of random and the challenge oftentimes becomes less about fighting an opponent who's BETTER than you than about CATCHING said opponent because they always fly all the way to the other fucking end of the field and the only thing keeping the fight going is their own cowardice. The voice actors, each of whom never variates from their character's set tone, are all pretty much phoning it in (Cloud's VA-- with his obnoxious tendency to pause after every third word for no adequate reason and which makes it seem like he's got a piece of shrapnel lodged in his head) and you don't get enough different attacks, but those aren't so bad when you consider this is probably the first fighting game to utilize RPG touches (occasionally annoying and unnecessary as they may be) in an effective way.

No, my problem with Dissidia stems mostly from an issue I have with most fighters in general that's really just kind of emphasized here-- the female roster, or really, the lack thereof. And a large part of this stems from the fact that apparently the developers of Dissidia were under the impression that a story mattered. In a Super Smash Bros. style character mash-up. Where everyone is just going to be either punishing Tidus for existing or re-enacting Advent Children's climax.

There isn't even much of one of those, really; basically there are 10 heroes from each of the final fantasy games and their corresponding villains, and the heroes' individual storylines involve looking for various interpretations of 'crystals' while retreading thematic ground already covered in their respective games ANYWAY, but don't worry-- it still feels less like actual character development and more like the game sitting you on its knee and preaching Sesame Street morals to you in a condescending voice while occasionally letting you play it. You're still fighting the same boss character for each game's protagonist at the end (and yes, I know about Jecht so shut up). Following this pattern though, I suppose it makes sense that Terra (representing FFIV) is the only female on the good guys side, but when you consider how fucking little is actually DONE with the whole multiple-worlds-fighting-a-heavenly-civil-war conceit, it becomes less and less acceptable.

Other than a few rare occasions you don't even get to actually fight people from different games in the context of the story, and all the villains are pretty much following their own agendas anyway it raises the question of what the whole point is. Christ, even when Super Smash Bros. decided it needed a narrative and thrust an entirely inane and completely nonsensical one down our throats in Brawl, at least you got to see some crazy fan-wank stuff like Mario beating up Kirby or nameless Pokemon Trainer fighting Link. Sure, there's some interaction between the Dissidia mains as a throwaway to the fangirls and to justify about a billion crossover fanfics, but that's really about it. If Dissidia was really more about being a fun fanservice game then about trying adorably to tie a sense of cohesiveness out of this whole mess, then maybe I'd have nothing to say, and honestly that's how I'd prefer it. But they didn't, so here we are.

The breaking point between me and Dissidia came slightly after I found out that in addition to a fairly ineffectual good side female and two decidedly more capable evil ones, there was another, secret female character and male character, each taken from Final Fantasy XI and XII respectively. What I didn't know was that the XII character was Gabranth-- yet another androgynous angst-ridden hot guy in armor, while the one from XI was a Moogle.

Let me get this straight. This is a series WITH NO SHORTAGE OF WOMEN WHO WOULD FIT PERFECTLY INTO A FIGHTING GAME, AND THE BEST THEY COULD COME UP WITH FOR THEIR UNLOCKABLE SECRET CHARACTER WAS A FUCKING MIDGET FURRY FROM A GAME THAT NO ONE GAVE A SHIT ABOUT? Fuck you Squeenix and fuck your pandering illogical bullshit.

I mean, seriously, what the hell? The Final Fantasy series has featured a huge variety of women-- warrior queens! Mother figures who fight with stun gloves! Overrated bitches who are only loved because they were killed too soon to be hated! Airship admirals! Why couldn't any of THEM made the final cut-- I mean, other than that they aren't dudes and the fandom would throw a hissy fit if they missed ONE of the many indistinguishable monotone pricks who needs to learn the importance of friendship? And since FFXI is a fucking MMO and thus not really a 'proper' Final Fantasy game ANYWAY, why couldn't it have featured two XII characters... like say, Ashe and Gabranth, which would fit the game's established 'one-hero-one-villain-per-game' format?

Oh wait, even though Ashe is one of the most complex and genuinely human characters in the games PERIOD, she walks around in a miniskirt or something, which instantly justifies the fandom's groundless near-unanimous hatred of her and makes her a bitch! Silly me, how could I forget? Or because she's the only main in series history with an actual goals sheet that doesn't involve DO IT WITH THE MALE LEAD, I forget.

The point is, I could get this sort of thing with Nintendo's SSB series, which really doesn't have that many female characters to begin with, but Square Enix? You don't HAVE that problem. And I understand that you're trying to pander to the most vocal majority of your fandom, but really, not EVERYONE hates the FF ladies. I suppose they could eventually correct this through DLC characters or --more likely-- rereleasing the game a year or so later with more characters tossed in and no fundamental gameplay alterations, but they won't get any points from me for it (not to say that the rantings of what is clearly the minority here count for much with a big company like that anyway).

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to Guilty Gear, which at least has a more balanced roster... and better gameplay.